Blogging Break Will Soon Be Over

Right now, I've been a little busy - with this little guy...

15 Years Ago...

Mine, whether you will it or not...
It feels like yesterday that I first met Matt. I know in my head that it wasn't; but really in my heart I'm sure it was. If not yesterday than just a little while ago.

Certainly NOT 16 years ago. How is that possible?

"How do the days go so slowly and the years so quickly?"

I actually loved Matt right away. For as long as I live I will recall this time. I didn't admit this to him mostly because I was scared. I felt and still feel that he was out of my league. (Now I'm not one of those people who needs to be complimented and told this isn't true. If you know me, you know that about me. Mostly I'm overly self-confident and probably most often obnoxious. BUT I do know my limitations.) Because of this, my defense mechanism was to not let him know how much I needed him. It seemed I could not posses his soul without loosing mine. I learned that indeed this was true but not something I had to fear; but rather embrace.

Over time I began to feel more comfortable with "us" but still I'll catch myself out the blue feeling overwhelmed and insecure. This is a very strange reaction for me because…

We are perfect together. What I lack; he makes up. It is almost eerie. When I am angry; he is calm. When I am sad; he is my happiness. When I am weak; he is strong. When I am naïve; he is mature. When I am headstrong; he is patient. When I am harsh; he is kind. When I am insane; he is rational. When I am cruel; he is loving. The list goes on and on. Without him; I could not be complete. He is my courage, as he is often my conscience. He is my heart; and alone, I cannot be whole.

There is something about the way my body fits with his. The way my head tilts to the right and then lays on his shoulder. I was made for him. The way my lips tingle before his reach me. The feel of my skin against his. The chill that goes up my spine when I see him across the room. Even now, 14 years later, I cannot control this physical reaction I have to him. As long as my body lives and his; we are one flesh. When my body shall cease; my soul will still be his. I swear by my hope of all things eternal; I will not be parted from him.

"Da mi basia mille." "Dien mille altera."
Give me a thousand kisses and then a thousand more.

Intellectually I react, as well. Again if you know me, you know I can't stand stupid people. Matt is one of the few people I know that I think could probably out wit me. He has the rare combination of academic intellect and common sense. One does not over ride the other. I am in awe of the things he can complete.

There is no one else in the world who can make me as angry as Matt can. There is no one else in the world who will ever understand me like he does. There is no one who has seen me at my worst and my best; and loved me still.

There is no one else in this world.

"'Whither thou goest,'" I said. "'I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest..., will I die, and there will I be buried.'"

Mine alone, now and forever. Mine, whether ye will it or not.


* wrote this several years ago...it's recycle time...

The Compulsory Back to School Post

com·pul·so·ry/kəmˈpəlsərē/Adjective
1. Required by law or a rule; obligatory.
2. Involving or exercising compulsion; coercive.

Once can't have a blog, without having the compulsory "back to school" post, right?!

This is a big big year for us. Not only did we start school in a brand new school, but we also started in a non-private school. This made for one worried mama.

Allen began middle school at Rossview Middle School and Isabell began the third grade at Rossview Elementary School. We are excited about this new opportunity and pray that the Lord will protect our children and allow them to be used for Him.

Several things happened before the first day the encourage me specifically. First, the principal at Isabell's school is a member of the Baptist church we visited today. This church reminds me ALOT of a big(ger) Calvary. The Sunday school teacher's in the church we visited last week both work for Rossview. She is the vice principal at Rossview High School and He is a math teacher at Rossview Middle School. They both spoke highly of the staff and the number of Christians on staff and actively involved with the students. Once we actually started, Allen found out that his science teacher attends the same church as Izzy's principal. What a huge answer to prayer for this worried mama. Allen talked to him after class and I'm so happy that at least for now, science will be taught be a Christian!

There are more little ways that God has proven faithful to us in this process that I'll share...but now...the compulsory pictures...

It Happened - just like I knew it would

My oldest is entering middle school tomorrow. I knew that would happen, too, but that's not what I'm writing about.

I don't know if it's entering a new school, being in a new town, new state or if it's just his age, but he has reached that time in your life when you start to care if other people care...know what I mean?

This became very obvious to me while shopping for school shoes today. Do you know that most NIKE shoes start at around $60.00 and that's for boys who are around 12! What.On.Earth? Of course, these weren't even the shoes he wanted, how about the $105.00 pair!

Him, "these look cool, mom"
Me, "they should, they are $105.00"

Seriously! Can you believe it. I shouldn't need to say this, but I will, we didn't get those.

We finally compromised on a pair, that still cost to much, but the cost to both our hearts was much higher. Now I travel down the road of teaching him about self confidence and self worth and freedom in Jesus.

Difficult, because, don't I still fall into this trap? I need the newest handbag or the nicest home furnishing? Hopefully, we can both learn something over the next few years about contentment, compromise and hard work.

Maybe it's time to start an allowance. That way, he can save and put money toward those things that are out of our price range. What about you guys? What do you do in this kind of situation?

The Day Your Dad Goes To Heaven

I'll never forget the day my dad went to Heaven. Some things can't be forgotten even if you want to, this isn't one of those things, but there are parts I wish I could forget.

Four years ago, on August 3, my dad went to see Jesus. I know where He is and just as importantly, I know that He knew where He was going.

After He died, I almost immediately became more interested in Heaven and what it would be like. I'm a little ashamed that this fascination was born out of my dad dieing and not Jesus dieing, but that's the way it was.

I read a very good book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn and then I purchased his book, Heaven for Kids, for Allen and Isabell. Such amazing things we can learn about Heaven and even more that we'll get to find out when we get there. My perception of Heaven was completely inadequate and often times, wrong. I hope you'll pick up these books and give them a go.

For the most part, "dates" aren't that important to me. I miss my dad everyday and I don't miss him anymore on the day he died. Days on the other hand often make me realize how much I miss him. Days like, Allen's first football game or the day Isabell lost her first tooth, or the day that Maggie was born.

I wrote the following little bit right after he died, so I could remember and I thought I'd add it here...Enjoy your days peeps - you don't know when that date is coming...

Mostly I Remember



Mostly I remember my dad and the good times. The day he went in the hospital we had been blueberry picking and brought Allen and Isabell along. I remember my dad complaining LOUDLY (mostly to embarrass me) about the 2 fat women in the row over from us because all they did was gossip. Then when it was time to leave having to pay my bill too, because I had no idea it was cash only. Sometimes though, I see him that night in the emergency room. I see the small glint of fear in his eyes but he's doing a good job making sure we don't see it. I hear Mr. Reece as he prays while we all stand around his bed and I feel the fear in my heart.


Mostly I remember him at Isabell's 4th birthday party. The one she is so proud of because "Grandpa was at her party last", but sometimes I remember my birthday only 13 days after he went to heaven and I cry for what should have been.


Mostly I remember him earlier that summer at the cabin. How he drove my brand new truck like a mad man down the highway, "to make sure it works, he said". How he played dominos with Isabell, Allen and me at the table. I remember sitting with him down by lake just relaxing and talking about the view. I can actually see him sleeping in the recliner, while I slept on the couch after a day in Tawas. I see us tromping through the woods and finding fire wood. We would have taken the neighbors by accident but she came out and stopped us. I remember him splitting the wood and sitting around the last fire he ever made. I can smell the wood burning and hear it crackling as I type. I remember him sharing a samore with Isabell that day and how she looked sitting on his lap eating it. But sometimes I remember the trip to Saginaw and the day he went in for the angio. I remember him lying on his back as he came out of the procedure and the discouraged look on his face. I remember him telling me, "They are going to bypass me on Monday". WHAT!?! How is this possible? I remember us all there, silent.


Mostly I remember my dad at Christmas time.

Me: "Dad, what should I tell the kid about Santa?"

Him: "Barbara, you know if you don't believe in Santa, he probably won't come"

Me: "That's helpful, thanks a lot dad."

I remember his excitement over everything about Christmas. He LOVED it so much. I can see him crawling around on the floor at the Christmas Program to get the pictures of Allen and Isabell. I remember his coming over during Christmas vacation and building snowmen with Allen. I remember the snowball fights between the kids and grandpa and I can see him sitting at my kitchen table after they were done. I hear him, "I love you sis…see you tomorrow."


Mostly I remember my dad with Ariana. I remember the look of pride on his face while he stood next to Jason just after Haley gave birth to the most beautiful baby in the world. I see my brother hug my dad when he leaves the hospital and I feel this new bond he has with my dad. I understand it because I experienced it when Allen was born. I see him hold her and I am so happy that he met her and loved her. But sometimes I see my brothers face in the lobby of the Saginaw hospital when we leave the night he died. I see the deepest sorrow I've ever seen. I understand it - because I feel it too. I hear Ariana screaming like she somehow knows, Grandpa is gone.


Mostly I remember my dad in Florida. I remember his picking us up at the airport and taking us to his hotel. I remember Disney world and see him watching his grandkids ride the rides. I see the amusement and joy on his face. I see him in the swimming pool with Allen and sitting on the side warming Isabell up. I hear him tell Allen, "I love you". I see him negotiating with the salesman in the vacation office. I see him on the dock waiting for Matt to get back from deep sea fishing. I just see him. But sometimes I remember him before he went to open heart surgery. I hear him, already a little dopey from the drugs, telling me, "Sis, you know if anything happens, I'll be heaven." How I wish I'd said, "I'll meet you there dad!" but instead I said, don't you dare talk like that, adding to his worry, I'm sure. "Sis, take care of your mama" and I said, "Don't you dare leave me alone!" and the last thing he ever spoke to me with words, "I love you, sis!" and I said, "Me too dad!"


Mostly I remember my dad sitting on my couch at work. The familiar smell and feel of him. I remember eating lunch with him, talking work with him, making plans with him while he sat on the flowered sofa. I hear him joking with Mrs. Reece and giving Amy a hard time. Code 9 and what do you got for a snack and always, "love you sis" but sometimes I remember him lying in the bed after the surgery. I see the machine breathing for him and I feel him squeeze my hand; one…two…three…four times – our signal I love you sis! Me saying, I love you." but I already knew in my heart.


Whenever my mom or Jason would go in the room to see him, I'd tell them to tell dad that I was out there with mom and that I loved him. I didn't go back in until my brother told me one night on the way home that when he told my dad the message that time, dad was agitated and pointed at the clock as if to say, "it's time" get her in here. I went in to see him the afternoon he died. I told him I loved him, I wish now I'd said more.


Sometimes I remember the sweet sound of Amazing Grace and the way we sang it around his bed. I believe this is the last thing he heard before he heard Jesus say, Well done. I will never forget the look on Mr. Reece's face as he watched his best friend go to heaven. I will never forget how my mom looked as she laid her head on his chest for the last time. I CAN NOT forget the feel of his sweet face as I kissed him on the cheek the last time. I can not wait to feel that again in Heaven.


Sometimes I hear myself begging the Lord, please. But mostly, I remember…

Saying Goodbye is Hard to Do.

After a very hard summer, we have finally relocated to Clarksville, TN. The last week was really hard for me and my kids, especially. We did make a concentrated effort to use the time we had left in Midland making connections with friends and family. While this was fabulous, it also made leaving that much harder.

I believe God gives us time as a gift. I am thankful for the time we've had in Midland. Thankful for our family and for our friends who are like our family!

Last week I took a day trip to Mackinaw City to visit a Bestie. This is time I will never forget. We spent the day roaming around, eating fudge, laughing, crying and making memories. I am so thankful for these girls and all they mean to me! This does deserve its own post and I promise to do better updating this blog.

Now that I've left, I hope this is a way I can keep in touch with everybody.