Keep it Real

Beginning again and again and again

It feels like that is all I do.

Matt traveled from Wednesday - Friday this week.  I did not do well while he was gone.

I am desperate to stop eating junk. 

I just don't know how to make myself get back in the zone.

I don't have any junk food in the house.

Ask me if that stops me?

I am so piss poor bad at planning, that I have to go to the store every day for dinner food anyway.  So while I'm there (after eating clean all day long) I go right ahead and buy crap that I know I will binge on. 

I haven't weighed in 2 days. 

I promised myself I weigh every day.

It's gotten to the point where I'm even lying to myself.

I don't know why, but I'm going to try again today.

Here's hoping it goes better.

Best,
Barb

No Cheat March - March 1 (the eve of Day 1)

March 1, 2015

No Cheat March

I want to put a few thought down, mostly for myself.  I don't know if I will ever publish this but on the off chance that I actually follow through - I want to have a real start point.

In 2 years I have gained back every ounce I lost 3 years ago.  Meaning, I officially have to lose 50-60 pounds again.  I don't even want to think about the reasons and the psychology behind this craziness - but it is what it is.

Stats:
W: 38
Hips: 41.5
Thigh: 25.5
Arm 14.5
Bust: 38-39
Butt: 19 at pubic bone

Some pictures:


My goal look:



I know it won't be easy.  I have started and stopped so many times in the last 2 years.  I'm completely miserable an obsessing every minute about what I eat.  I either am binging and (controlled by food) or "dieting" (and controlled by food).  I know I need to go back to clean eating.  It worked well for me and I maintained it for several years.  There a lot of reasons I quit and the "quitting" was really slow.  I hope to do some posts later to get it all on "paper" and remind myself why I shouldn't go back there.

Day 2 - Clean(er) Eating

Still in the "honeymoon phase".  Day 1 and 2 are complete.  I've eaten clean and no binges.  I did wake up in the middle of the night last night and eat 2 cliff bars.  They are pretty high calorie, but overall good for me.  I'm not going to complain about it.  It could have been way worse.

Day 3 is always hard for me and I'm not looking forward to it.  Matt has a dinner tomorrow in Augusta and I know I'm going to be really stressed.  I have a full day with work and I'm also scheduled to be Maggie's lunch mom.

I'm loosly tracking on My Fitness Pal.  I gave up my 3 year logging in streak last week.  It really felt obsessive and it wasn't doing me a lick of good.  I'm basically keep track now, just so I can look back and see what worked and what didn't.  I'm using it to keep track of exercise too.  I did 5 on the treadmil today.

I HAVE to exercise first thing in the morning - or it just won't happen.  By the end of the day, I'm just tired and I won't do it.

Maggie starts soccer tomorrow.  We are busy people.  I wish there was something I could cut out.

Honestly, I'm stressed.  The business is stressful.  Teenagers are stressful.  Food is stressful.

Good night all.

Best,
Barb

It's been a rough few days.  It seems like 1 always leads to 2 or 3.  I keep "starting over" but it feels like a rat on a wheel.  I'm strongly considering therapy.  I just don't see how to kick this.

I'm not going to go on and on about it.  Usually that doesn't help either.  If I start feeling sorry for myself today will go to heck too.  So, I'll try again. What else can I do?  Quitting will just make me fatter than I already am.

Today is Allen's last day of basketball try-outs.  He is a bundle of nerves and I'll be happy to have this done either way.

Maggie has been home sick for 2 days.  (This hasn't helped the eating AT ALL)  I've been trying to work, take care of a sick child and still have Canaan underfoot.  Anyhoo - today she went back to school.  I'm not sure who was happier, me or her.

We stopped at Starbucks on the way there!  Peppermint Mocha is baaaack!  I love the holidays so much.  This year I am apprehensive, because of our new business, but we have always held the belief that Christmas isn't about getting getting getting.  Maybe we will flesh that out in real life a little differently this year.

The weather is really nice still, up in the high 70's daily.  Definitely doesn't "feel" like the Thanksgiving /Christmas weather I am used to.  We are planning to go home for Christmas, and I'm sure we will shovel some snow and that will cure me.

Here's hoping today is a better day!  Try Try Try and then Try Again.

Barb

Rough Night Last Night

Posting early this morning, so I don't forget this feelings and more importantly, so I don't eat them away.

• exhausted
• disappointed
• angry
• sickish
• 
  

I caved late last night and ate sugar.  I wouldn't call it a full out binge, but I definitely ate what I shouldn't have.  I went to bed early, because I was really craving candy.  I woke up at 12:30 and caved.  The good news it, I feel pretty in control this morning.  I'm not sure why?  Usually, when I have a night like last night - I feel like eating the minute I wake up.  Eating junk.  I use it to get through the above emotions and tiredness.  I don't *think* I'm going to do that today.  I feel like I have lost the last 5 days and I'm not going to let a one time mess up - set be back.  (i HOPE)

So - I'm going to be really extreme, rigid even, with the eating today.  I'm going to drink lots of water and take a nap.  I'm going to go for a run this morning and then come home and work.  

We have a couple of big meetings this week, that would really help our financial situation.  I'm trying to not worry obsessively, but Christmas is coming and I feel the pressure.  

I plan to continue this post later this evening - after I've accomplished the above.  

Until then…

Today is over -as far as the eating goes.  I made it.  :)

Allen had his first day of basketball try-outs today.  He was super nervous and I was more nervous than that.

I absolutely can.not believe that is time for my child to be trying out for JV basketball.  Time is a racer.

I went with Isabell to cross country today.  Because of the time change, there was no way to run the trails.  It was dark by 6:20 pm and I would have broke my neck.  I did go for a jog/walk on the sidewalk where it was well lit.

I'm really tired and don't feel deprived, so I hope to not wake up tonight and want to eat.  Wednesday, I'll weigh in and take another picture.  I'm super curious what the scale says, but I have to admit - staying off it has been so good for me!

Love,
Barb

Sugar Fasting and Anger Management Problems

Day 5 -

So - I've been really (probably unreasonably) irritated with how excited some people are when they first start a diet program.  Haley knows just how irritated.  I keep on complaining to her about this.  "life style changes" and all the motivational advice, blah blah blah.  Talk to me in 5 years - when you keep it off I say.  Because here is the thing, anyone can lose weight!  But, not everyone can keep it off.  I take life style change advice from someone very well - as long as they have proven they have actually made one.  *SIGH*

Here's the another thing about a sugar fast.  It makes me crabby. See above. Crabby is probably a bit of an understatement, but I love a lot of very devout Baptists and I want them to keep reading my blog.  Things just irritate me.  I want sugar.  I want to eat it and pretend like I don't care that my rear end is getting bigger and bigger.  Until I do care - and then it's too late.  I've already gained 30 pounds.

My son Allen has my personality.  He may look like a Dodge, but he is a Campbell through and through.  He has anger management issues.  SURPRISE!  I wonder where he gets that from.  So, we work with him, at him, around him.  I'm starting to see that I still need some work on this too.

Speaking of Allen, he had a great Q1 of high school.  His weighted GPA is over a 4.0 and his classes are tough.  Imagine my surprise when Matt explained to me, not very nicely, that when he recruited young engineers, he stripped their GPA.  An "A" is an "A" and all that crap.  He, not very patiently or  very nicely, explained to me that the universities do this too.  I flat out didn't believe him.  Wouldn't they WANT kids to take challenging classes?  Shouldn't it mean something when a 9th grade student is taking a college level class and getting a 89 in it?  I basically acted like my husband was an idiot.

Then

Google

Yup, it's true folks.  Getting into a good university is ridiculously hard.  Sure they want you to take AP classes.  They just don't want them weighted.  In addition, don't bother trying to pad your GPA, they are going to strip the electives anyway.

I need to go to sleep but instead I am going through withdrawal.  I hope this whole thing is worth it.

Love Forever,

Barb

Soccer, Seashell Finding, Sugar Fasting Kind of Day

We had a great day today.  Allen had soccer all day, so he and Matt got up early and went to a tournament.  Maggie, Canaan and I went out to the beach this morning and looked for shells and stuff.  She found a great one.  We found about 20 little hermit crabs.  They were ecstatic and by the end were picking them up for pictures.

On the way to the beach we saw a big buck cross the road out on Rifle Range.  It was really close and both kids got to see it.

Tonight, when I was tucking them in, I asked what their favorite part of the day was.  Both talked about the beach - no one mentioned the deer.  Perfect. Definitely my kids.

Today went ok.  I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy, but I did.  I felt that first little flicker of hope that I'm going to make it. I quickly squashed that down though - as every time I focus on it, I screw it up.

Looking forward to church tomorrow!  and Day 5