It's been a rough few days.  It seems like 1 always leads to 2 or 3.  I keep "starting over" but it feels like a rat on a wheel.  I'm strongly considering therapy.  I just don't see how to kick this.

I'm not going to go on and on about it.  Usually that doesn't help either.  If I start feeling sorry for myself today will go to heck too.  So, I'll try again. What else can I do?  Quitting will just make me fatter than I already am.

Today is Allen's last day of basketball try-outs.  He is a bundle of nerves and I'll be happy to have this done either way.

Maggie has been home sick for 2 days.  (This hasn't helped the eating AT ALL)  I've been trying to work, take care of a sick child and still have Canaan underfoot.  Anyhoo - today she went back to school.  I'm not sure who was happier, me or her.

We stopped at Starbucks on the way there!  Peppermint Mocha is baaaack!  I love the holidays so much.  This year I am apprehensive, because of our new business, but we have always held the belief that Christmas isn't about getting getting getting.  Maybe we will flesh that out in real life a little differently this year.

The weather is really nice still, up in the high 70's daily.  Definitely doesn't "feel" like the Thanksgiving /Christmas weather I am used to.  We are planning to go home for Christmas, and I'm sure we will shovel some snow and that will cure me.

Here's hoping today is a better day!  Try Try Try and then Try Again.

Barb

Rough Night Last Night

Posting early this morning, so I don't forget this feelings and more importantly, so I don't eat them away.

• exhausted
• disappointed
• angry
• sickish
• 
  

I caved late last night and ate sugar.  I wouldn't call it a full out binge, but I definitely ate what I shouldn't have.  I went to bed early, because I was really craving candy.  I woke up at 12:30 and caved.  The good news it, I feel pretty in control this morning.  I'm not sure why?  Usually, when I have a night like last night - I feel like eating the minute I wake up.  Eating junk.  I use it to get through the above emotions and tiredness.  I don't *think* I'm going to do that today.  I feel like I have lost the last 5 days and I'm not going to let a one time mess up - set be back.  (i HOPE)

So - I'm going to be really extreme, rigid even, with the eating today.  I'm going to drink lots of water and take a nap.  I'm going to go for a run this morning and then come home and work.  

We have a couple of big meetings this week, that would really help our financial situation.  I'm trying to not worry obsessively, but Christmas is coming and I feel the pressure.  

I plan to continue this post later this evening - after I've accomplished the above.  

Until then…

Today is over -as far as the eating goes.  I made it.  :)

Allen had his first day of basketball try-outs today.  He was super nervous and I was more nervous than that.

I absolutely can.not believe that is time for my child to be trying out for JV basketball.  Time is a racer.

I went with Isabell to cross country today.  Because of the time change, there was no way to run the trails.  It was dark by 6:20 pm and I would have broke my neck.  I did go for a jog/walk on the sidewalk where it was well lit.

I'm really tired and don't feel deprived, so I hope to not wake up tonight and want to eat.  Wednesday, I'll weigh in and take another picture.  I'm super curious what the scale says, but I have to admit - staying off it has been so good for me!

Love,
Barb

Sugar Fasting and Anger Management Problems

Day 5 -

So - I've been really (probably unreasonably) irritated with how excited some people are when they first start a diet program.  Haley knows just how irritated.  I keep on complaining to her about this.  "life style changes" and all the motivational advice, blah blah blah.  Talk to me in 5 years - when you keep it off I say.  Because here is the thing, anyone can lose weight!  But, not everyone can keep it off.  I take life style change advice from someone very well - as long as they have proven they have actually made one.  *SIGH*

Here's the another thing about a sugar fast.  It makes me crabby. See above. Crabby is probably a bit of an understatement, but I love a lot of very devout Baptists and I want them to keep reading my blog.  Things just irritate me.  I want sugar.  I want to eat it and pretend like I don't care that my rear end is getting bigger and bigger.  Until I do care - and then it's too late.  I've already gained 30 pounds.

My son Allen has my personality.  He may look like a Dodge, but he is a Campbell through and through.  He has anger management issues.  SURPRISE!  I wonder where he gets that from.  So, we work with him, at him, around him.  I'm starting to see that I still need some work on this too.

Speaking of Allen, he had a great Q1 of high school.  His weighted GPA is over a 4.0 and his classes are tough.  Imagine my surprise when Matt explained to me, not very nicely, that when he recruited young engineers, he stripped their GPA.  An "A" is an "A" and all that crap.  He, not very patiently or  very nicely, explained to me that the universities do this too.  I flat out didn't believe him.  Wouldn't they WANT kids to take challenging classes?  Shouldn't it mean something when a 9th grade student is taking a college level class and getting a 89 in it?  I basically acted like my husband was an idiot.

Then

Google

Yup, it's true folks.  Getting into a good university is ridiculously hard.  Sure they want you to take AP classes.  They just don't want them weighted.  In addition, don't bother trying to pad your GPA, they are going to strip the electives anyway.

I need to go to sleep but instead I am going through withdrawal.  I hope this whole thing is worth it.

Love Forever,

Barb

Soccer, Seashell Finding, Sugar Fasting Kind of Day

We had a great day today.  Allen had soccer all day, so he and Matt got up early and went to a tournament.  Maggie, Canaan and I went out to the beach this morning and looked for shells and stuff.  She found a great one.  We found about 20 little hermit crabs.  They were ecstatic and by the end were picking them up for pictures.

On the way to the beach we saw a big buck cross the road out on Rifle Range.  It was really close and both kids got to see it.

Tonight, when I was tucking them in, I asked what their favorite part of the day was.  Both talked about the beach - no one mentioned the deer.  Perfect. Definitely my kids.

Today went ok.  I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy, but I did.  I felt that first little flicker of hope that I'm going to make it. I quickly squashed that down though - as every time I focus on it, I screw it up.

Looking forward to church tomorrow!  and Day 5

Sugar Fast Day 3

So far it's been a rough day.

I have a lot on my plate right now and my knee jerk reaction is to eat carby sugary stuff.  To be 100% honest, I REALLY want to .  Who knows if I'll actually make it to morning without caving.

There is stuff in our lives that really needs to give soon.  very soon.  I know God has a plan but sometimes, I wonder if we somehow missed it.  That doesn't sound very trusting does it?  I'm part of this accountability grip and right now we are reading Hebrews.  One of the verses says to take God's promises and mix it with faith.  I'm having a really hard time adding believing right now, let alone mixing it all together.

I know the right words - but what if we were wrong?  What if we made the wrong choice?  There are so many decisions, looking back that I wonder that about.  That's tough.  Living in the past certainly isn't going to help my future.

Psalm 42:11: Why am I discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will praise him again…!

Anyway, there really isn't much more to say about this.  I want to have it recorded here, how I'm feeling.  The stress I am under, so when I go back and look at my food choices - I have some correlation.  Hopefully, they won't be bad ones.

I've completed my MFP diary for the day.  The you'd weigh xxx in 5 weeks makes me want to cry.

Sugar Fast Day 2: Halloween Deprivation

Day 2 of my sugar fast and it's Halloween.  This fact didn't escape me when I decided to do this.  I am a true chocolate addict.  Literally - ADDICT.  I will eat chocolate, if its here, until its gone.

So, I knew this season was going to be really difficult for me.  Usually, I make the big kids hide their candy in their room, so I won't eat it in the middle of the night.   I'll do that again this year.  I also only purchased non-chocolate candy.  The kinds I don't like.  That should help.  Raise your glass to proper prior planning.

Anyway - I figure if I can get through the next few days without eating up all the chocolate then I'm golden.  It will build my confidence and I'll be lighter.  If I can't - I haven't really lost anything.  I would have ate it anyway and I'm already up 30 pounds.

I woke up late and hungry this morning.  My alarm had somehow been set to PM and we, literally, woke up 5 minutes before we were supposed to leave.  Maggie was a trooper, thank goodness.  I walked in with her today to deliver her ghost pops.  Exciting things ahead for my little one.

I changed the battery in my scale and now I weigh an extra 5 pounds. Nice.

On a whim, I decided to pee on a stick that measures ketones today.  I'm not actively doing low carb, as I am eating fruits and vegetables and whole grains.  My body goes into ketosis pretty easily though, so I thought, what the heck?  Sure enough - dark purple.


I saw this video about moms today.  I was very nearly undone.  You have to watch it!  Just watch it!


Charlie Brown, the Great Pumpkin was on tonight.  We watched it after trick treating.  Fun Times! I love all the Charlie Brown shows and I'm glad my littles like it too.

See you on the flip side.

love,
Barb

Sugar Fast - Day 1 - It Was Fine

And so it begins.  I drank my coffee with half and half plus splenda.  It was fine.  I didn't feel deprived.  I fixed a green pepper omelet for breakfast.  I used real cheese.  That's right, REAL cheese.  I'm trying to focus on the positive here, peeps.

I was thinking that I would talk about my food choices on here, but I'm not going to .  I already use myfitnesspal to log everyday and frankly, I obsess enough as it.

Day 1 went fine.  That doesn't make me hopeful really.  Day 1 always goes fine.

I did manage to get a run in while Izzy was at cross country.  It was fine. The weather is perfect, much better than fine,  in South Carolina and the trails are beautiful right now.  I continue to be amazed at this place God created.

Maggie has a Halloween party tomorrow at school.  We made ghost banana pops.  They wanted us to bring fruit and so we did the best we could.  They turned out fine so cute.  I think I'm going to have to go back and re-set the eyes because they are really sliding around.  After the yogurt starts to freeze - i'll put them back in their proper place.  Maggie is always so excited whenever there is something special at school.  Actually - she is always so excited whenever there is school period.  She is extra excited when there is something special.

I saw an interesting video today about how the media shapes our expectation when it comes to beauty and the perfect size.  You can view it here:What We Do in 37 Seconds. I have literally watched this over and over.  What a mess we have made of expectations.  This is absolutely not fine.  I do not want my daughters to focus on unattainable physical expectations.  I don't want my sons to believe that girls should look like this.  Holy heck, I don't want to focus on unattainable physical expectations.

Right now, while I type, the house is pretty quiet.  Allen and Matt are not back from soccer just yet.  Isabell is finishing her homework and the littles are already tucked in.  There is a plethora of things I should be doing.  Toys are scattered here and there and the laundry is a mountain.  It will wait though.  It's Fine.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Love,
Barb

Sugar Fast: Tomorrow - It's Only a Day Away

I am feeling pretty desperate about my eating situation.  I have literally gained and lost the same 50(ish) pounds my entire adult life.  Well, probably longer than that.  I remember losing before my wedding and I married Matt when I was 3 days 20.

This last "loss" I PROMISED would be my last.  I'll never do this again, I proudly exclaimed to my friends.  This isn't a "diet" this is a LIFESTYLE change.  If I had a dollar for every time I hear someone, new to the dieting world, say that - I would be RICH!  There I was, saying it myself. I was so excited.  I felt so healthy.  I had cleaned up my diet and was running at least 25 miles a week.  I trained for my first half marathon and literally weighed 20 pounds less than I did on my wedding day.

Enter LIFE!  I've always loved food.  Always!  Even when I'm in control - I still love to eat.  When I'm stressed, sad, happy, excited, depressed, angry, calm - I'll use food to mitigate my feelings.  Obviously, not healthy but that's a story for another day.  2013 was a huge year for us.  For a lot of reasons.  And I used those reasons to eat.  We moved to South Carolina on February 1 of 2013 and I have gained 30 pounds.  Worse, I've lost all confidence in myself.  I'm completely out of control.  I worship the feelings that food bring me.  I can not get through one.single.day. without self-medicating with food.

I know this has to change.  HAS to.  I know it isn't healthy.  I don't want to die young, like my dad.  I don't want to dishonor God by abusing my body.  I don't want my husband to be forever married to the fat girl.  I don't want...but do I NOT want it enough to change for good?!  Sitting here, typing this I don't feel very hopeful.

So tomorrow begins my 7 day sugar fast.  I'll weigh myself and take a few measurements.  I'll write about how I did and how I feel about how I did.  Maybe there will be some winning with losing.


Love Forever,
Barb

It's That Time

Dear Allen,

Today you start high school. I cannot tell you how impossible that seems to me.  I remember the day Dad and I found that we were expecting you.  I remember it perfectly.  I called Grandpa Campbell and he was SO excited.  After I hung up, I called immediately back to tell him not to pass the news around “quite yet” and I couldn’t get through for an hour.  He and Grammie were calling all their friends. 

From the start you were so loved.

When you were 2 weeks old, we flew from Virginia Beach to Indianapolis.  Your Aunt Rachel needed us.  It was a difficult season in her life and the lives of your cousins.  I will never forget the first time you met your cousin Skyler.  I know a bond was formed in those early moments that has lasted your lifetime and will continue, as you become a man.

I can see you running ahead of Great Grandma when she watched you as toddler and little boy.  I see her threaten you with a stick to slow you down.  This is when we first began to realize how fast you are.

I see you building snowmen with your Grandpa Campbell.  I remember you eating pancakes with him and asking a million questions.  I see you curled up in Snope's cage, “hiding”.  I remember all your Sunday School Christmas programs and how adorable you looked singing about Jesus.  I see Grandpa hustling around on the floor trying to get that perfect picture.  I remember you tagging along with dad and Grandpa to the “deer land”.  Quiet wasn’t really your thing, but they both couldn’t have been happier to have you with them.  I remember my absolute despair,when I saw beyond my own loss, to the loss that you would experience – when Grandpa went to heaven.

I see you making Christmas cookies with Grammie and playingat the park.  I remember Grammie pulling you in that red wagon with snoop pulling ahead. I remember our tears when we found out snoop had died in his sleep.

I remember how you loved Nana’s farm and all of the animals there.  I see you and dad, filthy after a day there – with a smile on your face. 

I remember all of your birthdays.  I just can’t remember how you got so old.  I remember the birthday you turned 5. For some reason, it made me catch my breath and I took notice of how quickly the time was passing.  Now you are almost 15!  10 years has passed and I’m not sure where they went.

I remember how proud you were when we brought Izzy home from the hospital and maybe a little puzzled. I’ve seen you welcome 2 sisters and a brother to your family.  Being the oldest has its challenges and often feels unfair, but son, it has its advantages too.  You are a natural born leader and I see you use that talent with Maggie and Canaan often.

I remember those years at Calvary.  You worked hard and excelled.  When God called us to Tennessee, and we transitioned to Rossview, you did beautifully. Your skill on the basketball court takes me back in my mind to when dad played.  The similarities in your games must be genetic because they are really there. I loved watching you play ball for Rossview, and I loved how you made friends with multiple social groups.  You are kind and respectful to your peers and that makes your dad and I very proud. 

I pray your high school experience will be everything you hope it to be.  I pray you use this time to work hard, train hard, prepare hard for the road that God is preparing for you.  I pray that you will draw closer to God and reach out to people around you. I pray that you will have so much fun that the hard work doesn’t seem so overwhelming.  I pray that you come to an understanding that you are entering some of the best days of your life and you will love them!

As we learn to let go and let you grow into the young man that God intends you to be, I pray that when you fail, you will get right back up.  I pray that you will admit your mistakes and learn from them.  I pray that you will learn to make good choices and you will see the rewards of those choices. I pray that you will stand up for the bullied kids, just as you have allof your educational career.  

I pray that you will always remember you are a Dodge and make us proud. 

Most importantly, I pray that you will always remember you are a Christian and make God proud.

We love you son! 

Today He is THREE!

Today He is Three

The little boy I didn’t even know I wanted; but now I couldn’t live without.

The little boy I didn’t love until I fist looked into hiseyes. 

The little boy who looks like a Dodge but acts like a Campbell.

The little boy who can’t say “C” but can speak directly to my soul

The little boy who will never know his Grandpa but behaves like he does.

The little boy I didn’t beg God for, but now I wonder why that was

The little boy who loves alligators, airplanes, Grandme and Mr. Derrick.  He loves chocolate and corn, staying up late and sleeping in mommy and daddy’s bed.   He loves Allen and loves soccer and baseball and He loves Izzy and reading and the Kratt brothers.  He loves wrestling and swimming without his life jacket. He love loves loves the ocean and karate chops waves for hours.

The little boy who doesn’t love his grandpa because he doesn’t know who he is, but loves his Uncle Jason so!  In this, my heart is peaceful.  It feels right.

The little boy I birthed when I was old is the one who makes me young.

The little boy who is as stubborn as his mama and as sweet as his daddy.

The little boy who makes my heart race when he sprints to the ocean and when he curls up next to me to sleep.

The little boy who brings me so much happiness and almost as much aggravation.

The little boy who knows no fear but whose heart is as tender as it is courageous.

The little boy who wants to be big and races after his sister but always looks behind.

The little boy who is the final of four and the completer ofour family. 

The little boy I'll love forever and like for a lifetime is getting big.  My heart is full of pride and desperation.

QUICK time!  Slow down.